Hello Disco Citizens!

Some people call me the space cowboy
Some call me the gangster of love
Some people call me Maurice

But those people are wrong.

It's true that I'm a joker. An ex-smoker. I even used to be a midnight toker (and an afternoon one too, long, long ago...). But I never ever spoke of the pompetous of love and I take issue with anyone who says I did. They're filthy liars.

The truth is that I'm boring. You should probably haul your blogging reading ass out of here right now because it ain't getting much better than this. And I use "ain't" carefully, as I'm an English teacher. For a few more months anyway.

See, I became an 8th grade teacher about six years ago, after falling down with the rest of the high tech economy. Before returning to a classroom I used to manage software testing groups. I hated it. But it was fantastic money, and you know how that little gilded cage works...

When I was finally sick of my career and sicker of myself, I asked myself, "Self, what is the scariest thing you can think of doing that doesn't involve blood?". See I knew that medicine and the military were not options for me. Everything else seemed to be fair game. So I became a teacher. Of eighth graders (cue the music, the hairy scream, aaaaaand.... cut!)

And now I'm laid off, along with about 20,000 of my California colleagues. Way to run a state, assholes!

Some other stuff you should know:

- I swear. A lot. Yes, I'm a teacher. Yes, I'm a mother. What that means is that I have precious few outlets for my foul mouth. This here is one of them. If you don't like it, you can get the fuck out. (Thank you, Eddie Murphy! Best. Routine. EVER.)

- I have a three year old daughter who I refer to here as The Principessa. Look it up.

- I am married to a very forgiving man who I refer to here as Dave. Because that's his name.

- I am maybe the foremost authority in 80's music in my neighborhood. In yours too, perhaps. I don't just "heart" the 80's. I lay down and get dirty with it on a regular basis.

A few other questions I've been asked:

Q: What is it, exactly, that you "do exceptionally well"?
A: Most things except draw, parallel park, and do math. The reference is to Sylvia Plath's "Lady Lazarus" because I fucking hate Sylvia Plath. Whining quitter.

Q: What's the "Sister Kristin" thing about?
A: Ever heard of Night Ranger? Or the 80's? That song "Sister Christian"? Yeah, I loathe that song. And so, like any earworm, I wake up hearing it about 25% of the time. Seemed natural to incorporate it here.

Q: Why do you refer to your students as "The Bozo's"
A: Um... have you ever taught eighth grade? They are, collectively, bozo's. They know it. I know it. I'm just calling it as I see it and they tend to love me for it.